heyfernanda

A personal journey of trying to make a living online while wrestling with life.

An Identity Crisis

Who am I on the Internet?

I like to bring my whole self to everything I do. I'm about as open a person as a person gets. I feel that I have absolutely nothing to hide, and as such, most people who meet me, get the whole, unedited version of me pretty early on. That means that I make fast, tight friendships with those who accept my whole self in all its strengths and flaws. It also means that most people drop off pretty early on, and that's exactly how I like it. I don't like to expand my energy skimming the surface with a dead-end friendship. All of this happens in-person. But, what about on the Internet?

We all have Internet identities in whatever spaces we occupy. Personally, I occupy Twitter, my community, IndieStack, and this blog (which is still a neonate).

Internet identities have a bias toward positivity and success. And, while that's great for overall morale, it does cause me to feel a dissonance between my true day-to-day self and the self I present to others.

This bothers me more than I'd like to admit and it holds me back. It holds me back because it makes me feel like I'm performing, putting up a front for others and that's exactly when my performance is at its worst.

It makes my skin crawl to think that there's an image of me out there that doesn't take into account all of me.

But, Twitter or an online community doesn't want to see my depression. They don't want to hear about my numerous failures. Or my constant need for validation. And that's okay. I think those are not the places for that.

So what is the place for that? Is there a place for it? Is there a corner of the Internet where I get to share my whole self so that parts of me don't feel neglected or hidden from view? Somewhere, where, if someone wanted to they could go see a broader view.

I think this is it. This space. This blog, still in its infancy; ripe to be shaped into whatever I want it to be. And enough out of the way that people can come to it at will, and easily leave if they please.

An open book, like me, this blog will be my Internet sanctuary. Not a marketing opportunity, not a lead generator, but a corner of the Internet I carve to complete the Internet persona I've inadvertently created for myself.

All are welcome to stay. All are welcome to leave.

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